Reflections of a Radical

The Pantheist Experience

2009-01-15T00:31:00.001-08:00

Embrace the godless universe.

Or run your bets on the afterlife.

Accept the world as it is.

Or reject it, and live at odds with the facts.

No god or lie can compensate for the beauty of a sincere relationship with the world around us.

Quit looking for permission to live.

Quit looking for fairies in a garden that is already beautiful.

Quit waiting for the afterlife and live your life now.

Defining and Explaining Myself

2008-12-10T22:44:00.001-08:00

Most people believe that the best way to pursue a happy and meaningful life is to gain acceptance from those around them. I am not one of those people. And I believe that is what defines me as the person I am.

Elaboration 1: I do not find relationships with other people meaningless or unenjoyable. I find it can be one of the most fruitful parts of life. The difference is that the people I enjoy having in my life do not define my values, but are an extension of them. In other words, my enjoyment is not defined by the approval of those in my life but the people themselves and how they relate to me as a person and my values.

Elaboration 2: I am sure most of us do not think of ourselves as mindless beings simply doing the bidding of those around us. I am sure that is not completely true, but I believe it is probably more true then you think. I would suggest taking a second glance at your life. Do you go to church because you really want to? Or because your parents want you to? Are you going to college because its where you want to be? Or because its expected of you? Would you die for your country because its what you want to do? Or because its what everyone else thinks it's what you should do? Are you being polite and kind to those around you because they deserve it? Or because you fear their disapproval? Consider all aspects of your life. The questions are hard to answer honestly, and easy to rationalize.

Elaboration 3: I am not advocating being a hermit. I am advocating self respect. There is nothing wrong with wearing pants to improve your social interactions with people. But that hardly makes it the meaning of life.

Elaboration 4: One of my favorite quotes by Ayn Rand is when she was asked if she is the same person now as when she wrote "The Fountainhead", she replied "Yes, but even more so." I do not claim to be entirely consistent with this definition of myself, but I do believe that it represents the truest part of myself.

Fear and Friendship

2008-12-08T13:05:00.001-08:00

What most people call friendship is really fear. A fear of other people and a fear of ones self, or the fear of disapproval and the fear of being alone.

The fear is used against one another. The fear is used to control other people. The fear is nameless but understood by all.

The fear keeps us all average.

There is nothing more dangerous then the average man. The man that will do anything to remain the standard of human approval.

There is also nothing more sad then the people that will do anything to avoid believing in anything, or standing for anything, or being an individual, because they know that it will reduce their chances of keeping the approval of others.

This is what separates the living from the dead.

There are so few of us that actually have the courage and ambition to be alive, but those around us do everything that they can to stop us from gaining it.

"How dare you think!"

"How dare you walk alone!"

"How dare you believe in yourself!"

All that most people have to offer is ridicule and attempts to bring you down to their level.

They try to bring us down to the level of the cultural robot, with its culturally programmed ideas, its programmed talk, and its programmed beliefs.

The endless struggle is never against the strong and the weak, but the average and the individual.

"Don't Judge Me!"

2008-11-22T00:47:00.001-08:00

If your IQ is below 40 then by definition you are retarded.

If you say one thing and do another, then by definition you are full of shit.

Its not me just saying something, its a fact of nature.

God damn it I am pissed off...

From now on you best wear a name take "hello! my name is [blank] and I am full of shit!"

If you don't give a shit that's fine. But don't pretend like you do!

That's all I fucking ask. I ask for nothing else! Nothing at all.

Notes to Self

2008-11-13T23:09:00.001-08:00

These are some notes I took in my journal, perhaps you can find them applicable to your life also.

Remember to be curious rather then hostile. Hostility achieves nothing
Relax when you talk to people. You are a capable person and you don't need to be intimidated
The things you don't want to think about are the most important
Your parents are just people that had sex. You owe them nothing. They deserve no special respect, only what they have earned.
Don't be ashamed of your values and interests. They are to be understood, not rejected by means of guilt alone, but by reason.
Your life does not need an outside justification, you provide your own "meaning to life."

Beg Like A Dog (voting)

2008-11-04T01:16:00.001-08:00

When I say anarchy, I mean that there is no such thing as authority.

When I say Individualism, I mean my interests, needs, and desires are mine and mine alone, and no "society" has ownership over me.

There is no compromise between food and poison.

Good has nothing to gain from evil.

They only offer fear.

They only offer guilt.

They only offer BLOOD.

Now they ask you to beg for the freedom that was never theirs to take away.

They have you trained like a dog.

Giving little scraps of freedom as treats.

Beg! Maybe master will let you free this time.

Priding yourself in voting is like priding yourself as masters favorite pet!

When you vote, you are giving away only thing they can't take...

Your dignity...

Your pride.

Thoughts On Family

2008-10-24T00:24:00.001-07:00

I don't usually talk about my personal life, but I have had an on going frustration that I would like to share with those of you who decide to take interest in these rambling of mine.

My parents have always claimed "they just want me to be happy" however what I find interesting about this statement is that I have never been asked how I feel in the first place. I have never been asked what my goals and desires are. No how I feel and what I want in life has always been assumed or rather commanded.

Religion has always had priority over my desires, wants, and needs.

I can't think of anything that would make me more proud then if I had a kid who felt like he/she could disagree with me openly and rationally with about being afraid of ridicule and hostility.

But my parents hold the opposite value of a good child that they are proud of.

Thus my parents don't love me as an individual, they love me as a cookie cutter piece. They love me as long as I am vague person with no sense of self.

I am sure most of us have had similar experiences and I am by no means claiming that I have it so bad, but it is a frustration in my life none the less.

I suppose in the end it doesn't really matter, people that have never taken the time to know me, or tried to question what they believe are in no position to give me any effective criticism, but rather intimidation.

Well if you have read down to here, thank you. I will put up some more formal blogs soon I promise.

Egocide

2008-10-19T19:25:00.001-07:00

I have come to the realization that the vast majority of my personal blogs are not really happy ones... I suppose the times I feel like expressing myself most is when I feel troubled. But quite honestly I am not a sad person, and I am not overall discontent with my life.

So today we can talk about other things rather then my troubles.

I have been fairly anti-social lately, but it has had some good effects, and overall I have enjoyed it. I have been reading and writing my in journals like crazy, and it has resulted in a lot of realizations, and uncovering of simple truths. Some about myself, and some about the world around me (you will see a lot of these ones on my other blog).

The truth is a truly liberating thing. However the damage from our past sometimes makes it difficult to live and actually apply to our lives. I believe for the first time in my life I am starting to truly apply the truth to my life rather then hide and be ashamed of it. I find that it is very rewarding, and it makes you feel more true to yourself.

We take for granted how important it is to be true to yourself... if you can't trust yourself... what do you have left?

Once that is put into perspective, and you realize how many people have no sense of self respect, and self trust it really puts the world as it is in an entirely different perspective.

People look to others for completion and some kind of security but once again, what do we have left when you can't trust our selves? How can we be capable of sincerity, love, and respect when we have no sense of self? What to we have to offer other people when we have nothing to offer ourselves?

We have been taught our whole lives to abandon our sense of self for "the greater good" or "because it's prideful" and so on. Gods, governments, and cultures don't have anything to gain from self respecting people who are content with their individuality. They would rather you be a dependant broken human being, too scared to leave the herd.

What these gods, governments, and cultures have done is a kind of egocide. They have destroyed our sense of self. And we need to get it back.

This is what has been on my mind lately, and I just felt like sharing it with those of you who care to read this blog. Hopefully you can find some kind of value from my own reflections on life.

Nietzsche

2008-10-02T15:35:00.001-07:00

Philosopher

Poet

Anti-Christ

Oh, how your word sink into me!

Oh, how you open my eyes!

Nietzsche, you are the friend that I never knew...

You understood what loneliness means didn't you? Not the kind of loneliness because of a lack of human contact. No, this is the kind of loneliness of a radical mind. This is a kind of loneliness that few people understand. We could be in a room of a hundred people and still be utterly alone. The person that realizes how little mankind, as it stands, has to offer him, and how little he has to offer mankind.

We truly are the "Hyperborean's".

We truly do live amid the ice of the cold north.

Your words bring courage to my heart, and anger at this sickness called "society". Your bring the anger that I should have felt years ago! As this culture tried to make me a "tame animal". For years it work, as I was helpless and had no choice but to accept the oppression around me. But now I see these people for the con-artists that they are.

Much of this is thanks to you Nietzsche... my friend.

Burn It Down And Walk Away

2008-09-20T23:04:00.001-07:00

I find my self in a place where I am sick of this slavery but still scared to do what is necessary to get out of these chains that hold me there.

It's times like now that I wish I still had you behind my back offering words of courage. Urging me to not find comfort in shame, but to truly stand up straight.

I set this loneliness aside...

What's the point of wishing you were here?

Yet the feeling is quite unavoidable.

I wish you were here as I go to these new horizons of my life. You would have been a wonderful peace of mind.

I realize none of this matters...

But I simply wanted to acknowledge how I feel.

I simply needed to accept it as real before I burn this whole thing down and walk away forever.

The Revisionist by The Lawrence Arms

the sway and swell
flee with her motion
red-gold across my arms
the vicious strokes i painted
a river fills your heart
i'm sorry if i let you down
i know just how you feel tonight
this is never what you wanted
i was searching for myself
in other people's eyes

the mirror's telling half truths
the stolen words finally feel like mine
swollen and sweating (sweating)
off time (off time)
i can see it in your eyes
an ocean floods my heart
i'm sorry that i let you down
you know just how i feel tonight
this is everything i wanted
you've been searching for yourself
in other people's eyes

the revisionist
never gets it perfect
never gets it perfect
the revisionist
never gets you perfect
never gets you perfect

time is never right
the words are never right

The World Within

2008-09-16T21:03:00.001-07:00

For so long I have looked outward noticing all the problems in this world and culture, but it not until recently that I have truly looked inward and the world within.

As I pay attention to my feelings and my thoughts I realize that there is so many things that I simply choose not to think about. That as soon as my mind goes down certain alleys and paths I am filled with fear and I immediate reaction is to stop thinking about the subject and move on to something else.

However I have recently been trying to avoid this and to pay extra attention in those places that I avoid. So far this has been very useful. I am finding out more about myself every day and coming to terms with some issues rather then avoiding them.

Give it a try. As you think and you mind avoids certain subjects, don't move on but pay extra attention to those things and with a spirit of self honesty truly question why that subject makes you uncomfortable, or scared. It is very likely that these are the aspects of our life that you need to recognize, come to terms with, and then change, but if we simply avoid it... is any of this possible?

Your Empty

2008-08-26T20:07:00.001-07:00

You ran away, because your empty

But you can't run away from that emptiness. You are that emptiness.

Shame on me for treating you like anything else other then the empty person you, are functioning in an empty world.

Shame on me for calling you beautiful.

Shame on me for trying so hard to be understanding.

And shame on you for just being another piece of shit that is owned by fear.

Just like everyone else.

Leech Fest

2008-08-16T17:23:00.001-07:00

I withdraw and keep to myself and this seems to always puzzle or even bother people. They often mistake this for sadness, and surely there is some loneliness to it, but I feel much more alone with most people then I do with my self.

Most people are empty... they strive for these cultural standards because they think they can fill that emptiness with the approval of others.

How can it not depress you to be around these kinds of people? Try going to a party and honestly observing the people around you and what's going on. Most everyone you know will start acting like a completely different person. Girls will act more stupid, guys will get more competitive and it all adds up to be a bunch of horse shit.

So am I depressed? no. It may simply seem that way because I withdraw my self when I smell bullshit. And I hate being around that emptiness... Those people that try to make you love them... not because they love you, but because they don't love themselves. They drain you life away.

Its like this world is some kind of leech fest. Everyone just trying to suck a little life out of the person next to them. They never see you as an individual, just a means to an end.

Go to your churches, your parties, all your little social interactions... its all just a mass emptiness. We celebrate that emptiness, we love it, we immerse ourselves in it, we worship it.

Almost no one has anything to offer, and even less want what I have to give.

Embracing Entropy

2008-08-11T20:19:00.001-07:00

I once looked for something beyond entropy

Something that never died, something that never broke, something that never moved.

But now I realize, that you have to find beauty in the the finite.

Look back on moments as threads that weave a memory that you can always hold to your heart, that will always mean something to you, and you alone.

Others may see nothing but a shattered glass.

But I see shards that once made a beautiful sculpture.

Everything ends... and that's ok.

We just reach for those few beautiful and frail things and hold on to them as long as we possibly can...

Beautiful

2008-08-09T13:02:00.001-07:00

These days we are all looking for some one to save us, some one to fix us, some one to complete us.

That is never what I was looking for... I just wanted something beautiful.

That's the difference between them and us. They don't know what beautiful means.

They would kill for nothing.

They would die for anything.

They would live for nonsense.

They just need something, anything, to make themselves feel complete. They huddle together in masses because they fear facing the world alone as a single human being.

So you see... its not that I need you, its not that I can't be happy with out you, its not that you complete me. Its that your a beautiful human being and you haven't let anyone own you.

Its because your beautiful, not because I am scared to be alone.

I don't kill, die, or live for just anything, nothing, or nonsense. My life, and my love is not just for sale to just anyone or anything.

Just know that when most people you meet say "I love you" what they are really saying is "I am glad I am not alone".

Just know that when I said it, it meant something entirely different.

Creeping Cynicism

2008-07-23T21:46:00.001-07:00

I though that I found a cure for this doubt that lingers in my mind. And all my cynical past has to offer is a quiet "I told you so". Sometimes this sick world gets the best of me and its hard to believe in anything. It often times feels to me that all that anyone has to offer me is vain faith and false hope...

Sturgeon's Law: 95% of everything is crap.

None the less... that 5% does exist. And I refuse to let my self become a victim. That would be against everything I have ever stood for.

But good hell... the more you try to stand up straight it seems the stronger the forces to break you down pushes, and you start to feel that fear creep back up your spine.

Once you see the world as bullshit like it is, that 5% becomes so much more beautiful, and the blow is so much harder when you lose it.

These are the points in my life when I truly feel my knees start to buckle and my hands start to tremble. Not when you lose something that was broken but when you lose something that is strong and hasn't given into the bullshit.

So here we are left in a dilemma. A hatred for the bullshit, and a fear of the beautiful. Which leaves me with a creeping cynicism that I have been fighting for the last 2 years of my life.

Conclusion: Life is worth living, and the beautiful does exist but it can be difficult to find and when it is found it takes courage to reach out and grab it. We can either live in the bullshit because we fear truth, or we can live in the cynicism because we fear the beautiful or we can throw it all aside and try and live life.

Lonely Road of the Individual

2008-07-20T21:50:00.001-07:00

No Gods

No Governments

No Cultures

Individualism is really the on going struggle to stand on your own two feet rather then using nonsense to compensate for your fear of being alone. Because the road of principle and honestly truly is a lonely one...

Once you let of the crutch of illusion your relationships with people become so much more meaningful. Because the person that is willing to be by your side on that lonely road are rare indeed.

Trembling and Chains

2008-06-14T22:26:00.001-07:00

Every Cliche like a knife at my throat
This Culture like cataracts clouding my sight

Oh, parasite you feed off my trembling hands!

Fear chains my right
Guilt chains my left

I was once a broken man
Ashamed of my existence

But now I see you for who you are

You need us to shake
You need us to crawl in shame
You need BLOOD

Too long have these trembling hands brought me nothing but chains

No longer will I beg for that freedom that was never yours to take
No longer will I take that shame that was never yours to give

Your Individuality is a Work of Art

2008-06-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

Its hard to explain when the beauty of an individual touches you

When you don't see some one as something that meets up to a certin set of rules or standards.

But you see them as more of a work of art

You see the beauty of the individual

In Thick and Thin

2008-06-01T12:40:00.002-07:00

My heart is overwhelmed with pride when I call you my friends.

You have been a pillar of consistency in my life
Who's words are always fallowed by actions

In the most pissed off, cynical, and lonely times of my life you were always there to listen to me bitch.

In reflection I haven't said thank you enough

but I am saying it today.

Dear, Chris

2008-06-01T12:40:00.001-07:00

When will you learn?
When will you understand?

That these chains are divine?

That the blood on our hands is for the greater good?

That every time you shake you are just another step closer to heavens gate?

That that uniformity and God are the same thing?

We would hate to make you an outcast.

We would hate to burn you at the stake.

We would hate to kill you for the greater good.

Won't you come back and shake with us?

Won't you come back and will break each others bones in celebration of conformity.

If not, we are in need of human sacrifice for that God we call culture.

Sincerely, Society

Pacing 1000 Miles

2008-06-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

I have paced a thousand miles in my room alone
Looking for something i can call consistency

I have soul searched into the late of night
Trying to make something beautiful

But I only find dead ends and a numbed heart

Its so hard to care
When people only offer empty words

Its so hard to care
When all I find are disappointments

Its so hard to care
When I only see the most beautiful people in my life drift away

The New Alive is Suicide

2008-06-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

Convince yourself that you life isn’t just one joke after the other
As you drink down a substance that provides a chemical induced state of stupidity

Convince yourself that you are alive
When your greatest sense of enjoyment is killing yourself and brain cells

Convince yourself that you represent something other then ignorance and suicide
As you blow a cock for just one more hit

Convince yourself that you have something to offer the world
As you hand your money to the murders and rapist that make this world a living hell

Preach what you want but it will never change what you do, and what those actions that you choose represent.

You can tell me that you stand for something. You can tell me you should be taken seriously

But your actions indicate other wise

Expectations, Lies, and Cliches

2008-06-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

All alone
But right now I wouldn't have it any other way

Tonight I walk through these streets
In reflection and solace

These moments of clarity are so rare

Its all in my hands

I don't need a drug to be happy

I don't need some one to tell me its OK

I don't need romantic mellow dramatics

Let go of the expectations, cliches, and lies

Then you will be free

Meditation 3

2008-06-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Its too easy to be cynical
Its too easy to complain

But it gives nothing

It eats so you alive

Look for something beautiful

Find something to believe